Weep With Those Who Weep (2)

Use The “Third Ear”

I like to teach people to listen with their 'third ear'.  This means hearing the feelings, even when not clearly stated or mentioned.  “The air conditioning broke…” says nothing of how she felt about it.  The 'third ear' hears frustration and then puts words to that feeling.  Even a groan would communicate understanding here.  “Our dog died,” includes no overt cry of distress, and yet everyone can guess about the sadness there and emit an appropriate, “Oooh, that’s sad.”

A Groan Helps

A groan can be a valid form of weeping with another person.  So can a simple heartfelt “bummer”.  A sentence that articulates the upset or irritation of another fits the “weeping” exhortation too:  “It sounds like you are really at the end of your rope,” is a well-spoken summary of someone’s exasperation or despair. It feels like solid, thoughtful compassion. 

That is what the “weeping with”-idea is about.  First, it is feeling sad when someone feels sad — then, secondly, finding a way to communicate your sympathetic sadness, fear, or frustration.  No one knows if you understand or are feeling badly with them.  You must send a message showing you are feeling for them.  You may be agonizing inside but others cannot see it.  In the caring process, a statement makes it clear.  Saying something like “You’re really feeling frustrated” shows you realize their feelings and do not judge them for their frustration.

Reality then is this: the most helpful response to another’s crying is to let our own instinctive tears of empathy gush, to feel another’s feelings and to let them know it.

A middle-aged woman walked into a grief-recovery group.  She shared that her reason for being there was the death of her son in a motorcycle accident.  Not many minutes had passed when another woman asked, “Was he wearing a helmet?”

She asked the question everyone thinks.  A pressure inside clamors to know if neglect of a helmet contributed to the fatal injury.  Asking about the helmet is a long way from empathy, a major distance from weeping with, groaning with, or speaking words of understanding.  The curiosity must be stifled because asking gets at blaming; it sidesteps a mother’s despair.

In times of emotional distress little is gained by soliciting information about causes or who was to blame.  Help comes from a clear, caring message, whether it be tears, groans, a touch, a hug or just showing up.

A Good Example

One of the most beloved Bible passages is Psalm 23. One reason for the universal love for Psalm 23 is the picture of The Shepherd with the sheep.  “With” is the key word.  The Shepherd walks with, accompanies, cares for us.  There is no word of fixing, solving or advising.  Restoring stands out.  It sounds like the process of healing emanating from caring companionship, loving attention, empathy and understanding.

St. Paul has a pertinent line that applies here: “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus [the great Shepherd of the Sheep].”  May the spirit of Psalm 23 lead us in responding to the hurts of others.