More About Empathy for Others' Pain

Continuing with further thoughts on giving better responses to people in pain . . .

I spoke in the last post of Bert, who had rolled his car in an accident. His friend, Tom, had said, "but be thankful you're not hurt."

Observation #1:  The truth of Tom’s statement cannot be denied.  Probably part of Bert is breathing the same prayer.  But the effect of Tom’s words is this: you may have destroyed your car, but as long as you are walking around talking about it—you do not have a problem.  The mistake that Tom has made is that he refuses to recognize that there is indeed cause for concern, dismay, even  melancholy—even though no life was lost or bodily injuries sustained.

Observation #2: Bert is feeling awful about his wrecked SUV.  He loved his new vehicle.  Plus he drives to work every day; he needs transportation.  The quick diagnosis that calls him to be thankful (because he sustained no injuries) confuses him.  “Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he softly says to Tom, and the group of men slide into talk of other things.

How very sad that this dialogue did not go better!

Another sad but true story: Maria, an elementary school teacher, learned she had a lump in her breast.  Frightened, she called another teacher she knew to be an active church member.  Maria poured out her plight to Karena, but when Maria paused, Karena said, “But you know you are ‘saved’, Maria.” This pronouncement from Karena translated to, “You don’t have a problem.”

Observation:  But Maria did have a problem.  The prospect of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, costs, missing work; all these things stared her in the face. She had a life threatening fight on her hands.  Being 'saved' did not fix all that.  Thoughts of next-life serenity hardly helped her with the challenges of the here and now that she wanted to hang on to.  So . . . sadly . . . Maria learned during this phone call that she obviously could not share with Karena. 

There’s nothing new about telling people they do not have a problem, even when they clearly do. In the Old Testament book of Jeremiah, chapter 8, verse 11 we read: They have treated the wound of my people carelessly, saying “Peace, peace,” when there is no peace.  NIV

They give useless medicine for my people’s grievous wounds for they assure them all is well when that isn’t so at all!  Living Bible

Shouldn’t we look on the bright side?

Most often, people think: Why allow the person to feel the pain of their problem?  Why not put a 'spin' on it so the brunt of the blow is softened?   It seems kind and merciful to show a hurting soul a bright side, or a positive perspective, on a seemingly negative circumstance, right?  If a comment lifts, why not make it?

The answer to this seemingly well-intentioned attitude is that just because you walked away from your totally wrecked car does not mean you have no problem.  Looking on the bright side only temporarily and partially distracts you from the true challenge of a destroyed vehicle.

There is an absence of persons who sidestep the opportunity to offer cheer, and instead reflect out loud the reality of the loss.  It is a rare star who creates an atmosphere of healing by naming the “bad stuff”. 

This invites the hurt ones to talk, lament, weep, groan, and feel their pain.  When tears flow, things aren’t getting worse: there is actually healing that is under way. People who understand this are friends to be treasured. It is quite unlike the way we usually see people respond to the cares of the hurt ones around them. 

Let me repeat it again:  When tears flow, things aren’t getting worse: there is actually healing that is under way. Readers know that I encourage tears. Tears are necessary, and helpful!

It feels soooo good to have another human being put the truth into words, such as, “that’s really tough — to lose a valued car and nearly get smashed yourself.” or to say to Maria, “I’m so sorry to hear that.  You must be really frightened.”

Our God, according to Scripture, hears our cries and is touched.  Help then follows.

There is little reason for us to act differently.  Let us hear people’s cries.  Resist deflecting them, comparing them, or evaluating their validity. 

Let us take people seriously.  God will heal them — let us not stand in the way, claiming there is nothing to heal.