Listen For Feelings

It’s Not What I Say

Usually we connect helpfully with others when we respond to their emotions in that moment.

The trouble is that few will tell us directly what they are feeling.  They talk about what happened, but seldom add how they are feeling about it. 

For instance, Jane says, “My grandmother died yesterday,” but does not explain that she is feeling sad about it.  She doesn’t have to.  Most clear-thinking adults move automatically to that conclusion. An excellent response says, “Oooh that’s sad.”

Too often well-meaning friends forget to say the feeling words.  Instead they slide into the factual side of things without giving a clue that they recognize the emotional component (sadness, in this example). 

So their queries go like this: “How old was she?” “What did she die of?” “Was it expected?”

All are legitimate, caring questions. None of them, however, give a clue that Jane’s sadness is recognized. The first response ought to tune into her feelings.  Initially she needs at least one verbal hug (“Oooh that’s sad.”).  Then you go on and help her to tell the story in factual detail.

Slip In A Verbal Hug

I was standing near some people when a man walked up.  He said, “Battery’s dead—anybody got jumper cables?”  I was impressed when a woman spoke up:  “What a bummer.  Sure, I’ve got cables in my trunk.”

She acknowledged the crumminess of the situation first, then solved his problem.  A tiny detail the guy may not have noticed at all, but nevertheless she slipped a little “hug” into his frustration. (“What a bummer.”)

Slip In A Verbal Hug

I was standing near some people when a man walked up.  He said, “Battery’s dead—anybody got jumper cables?”  I was impressed when a woman spoke up:  “What a bummer.  Sure, I’ve got cables in my trunk.”

She acknowledged the crumminess of the situation first, then solved his problem.  A tiny detail the guy may not have noticed at all, but nevertheless she slipped a little “hug” into his frustration. (“What a bummer.”)

I could say more, but I'll stop here for you to ponder this importance of my counsel. (I'll discuss it further in the next posting.)